(Hey guys, I found an article I wrote four years ago.  Take a look and let me know what you think! – Luke)

Everyone loves you, so wouldn’t more of you lead to more love? Your wish is my command!

Here before you are the top six ways to pack on some pudge, look more jolly, fill out those jeans, and change that six-pack into a pony keg. Read on, you passion panda!

1. Skip Breakfast

When you wake up, your body is craving food. This would be an optimal time to fuel up for a lean and mean day.

Don’t do it! You want your body to think that it’s starving, so it holds on to as much fat as possible.

Also, the lower your caloric intake is, the lower your metabolism. And a low metabolism is the key to storing fat. Stay in fat storing mode by depriving your body of fuel. Store that fat!

And here are a few extra interesting facts from a University of Massachusetts study:

• Waiting more than three hours after waking up to eat breakfast ups your obesity risk by 43%.
• Eating breakfast away from home increases your obesity risk by 137%.
• Not eating breakfast increases your obesity risk by 450%. (That would be FOUR HUNDRED AND FIFTY PERCENT!!)

2. Stay up All Night

If you don’t get enough sleep, your body will produce a stress hormone called cortisol.

Cortisol leads straight to fat storage and muscle loss. You can maximize your levels by doing plenty of smoking and drinking while you burn that midnight oil.

Sleeping also increases your metabolism, we’ve gotta be sure to keep that tamped down. After all, the more fat the better, right?

3. Don’t Lift Weights

Pumping iron raises your metabolic rate for at least a day, which definitely goes against our goal of as much extra-soft padding as possible.

It also adds lean muscle mass, which burns calories all of the time!

Lifting weights would be one of the worst ways to add fat.

Lean muscle also creates one of those shapely and defined bodies. But we want more of a cuddly teddy bear look, instead of that firm and toned athletic physique.

4. Do Lots of Long and Slow Cardio

When you’re moving slow, your body uses fat as fuel. Since you’ll get more efficient at using this fuel, you’ll keep burning less and less fat.

Most gym machines will now tell you when you’re in “the zone.” While in “the zone” you’ll also wither away those pesky muscles, further lowering your metabolism.

Whatever you do, don’t push yourself. Remember our good friend cortisol?

Lots of steady-state aerobics help to increase our levels of our fat-storing hormone. This creates an ideal environment for storing fat. Woo-hoo!

5. Eat Plenty of Refined Carbohydrates

Our bodies absolutely love to store processed grains as fat.

White bread and snacky-cakes will do wonders for expanding our waistlines.

Avoid all vegetables and whole grains, those are digested slowly and used as fuel.

Better by far to eat refined products that enter the bloodstream fast and get stored just as fast. Bleached and processed foods are fat storing champions!

6. Go It Alone

The last thing that an aspiring super-sizer needs is a personal trainer encouraging “proper habits.”

After all, who wants to know how to set up the machines or design an exercise program? If we use poor exercise form and get hurt, we can stay up all night and eat fruit loops.  That’ll pack on some pounds.

Plus, trainers are always motivating and supporting. Who wants an educated and caring coach?  Let me do it myself!

There you have it, the top six ways to gain body fat!

Oh, what’s that? You don’t want to get heavier, you want to drop weight? That’s simple, just don’t follow this guide.

In fact, reverse it!

Here’s how to Get Lean:

1. Eat a healthy breakfast with lots of protein
2. Get at least 8 hours of sleep a night
3. Lift weights
4. Perform intense, interval cardio
5. Eat lots of veggies, avoid processed food
6. Find an awesome personal trainer

You can do it!